One of the many perks we’re enjoying as a result of buying a home from an excellent gardener is the plentiful supply of horseradish. This persistent root crop, famous for the prickly effect it has on one’s sinuses and the weird way that sensation makes certain foods taste better, has been slowly taking over its designated area in our garden. Currently at about 30% occupancy in a 4x10 foot raised bed, I estimate it will be at full capacity within about 4 years, having already breached the solid metal barrier intended to contain it. At night I can hear it taunting the rhubarb, moaning through its spicy leaves: “We’re coming for you! We’re coming soon!” 

I’ve always been a bit confused by this plant. It looks nothing like a horse, grows sort of like a radish, is technically a brassica (making it a relative of many nutritious and easier to contain veggies like broccoli and kale), and at first taste seems like it’s hot, but actually doesn’t burn your mouth so much as stimulate your sinuses. This could be why it is such a popular condiment - much of what we describe as ‘flavor’ is rumored to be the result of what we smell. Naturally, there is a website where you can learn all about this prolific root - horseradish.org describes the theory behind the plant’s name as follows:

“In German, it’s called “meerrettich” (sea radish) because it grows by the sea. Many believe the English mispronounced the German word “meer” and began calling it “mareradish.” Eventually it became known as horseradish. The word “horse” (as applied in “horseradish”) is believed to denote large size and coarseness.”

Whatever the you call it, this coarseness is delicious with all kinds of things, so I wanted to take advantage of the bounty in late fall before things got too messy in winter. After several hours digging digging digging our tangled knots of deep and sideways rooted merrettich, I ended up with about 5 pounds of roots and a bed that looks like this:

I decided the best way to preserve our crop was to peel and dehydrate it, thinking that this would save on freezer space and labor until the root was actually needed. Bad idea. The root dehydrated very well (too well) and ended up like a pile of petrified bones.

These roots are so dry that the pieces just rattled around inside our small food processor like concrete sticks.

Next I tried a microplaner, which after about 30 minutes of ardent hand-cramped shaving produced a quarter teaspoon of fine powder, most of which I suspect came from my knuckles. What to do? Finally, I figured out that if I reconstitute it overnight with water in the refrigerator, it softens up enough to grate or process so I can now slather it on everything I eat. As an added benefit, the greens can also be harvested (best when small) - add to salads, sauté with garlic, or sneak them into someone’s breakfast smoothie for a fun and spicy April Fool’s Day.* 

If you’re interested in growing a bit of this for yourself, be cautious - once planted, it can be very difficult to control and contain. This aggressive plant definitely qualifies as a contender for the top 10 most likely survivors of the zombie apocalypse, but look out - it will not wait for the zombies to show up before it starts to spread. In fact, our patch will probably be halfway to your house by the time we publish this post!

*Just kidding, this was a joke. I would never condone ‘horseradishing your date’. Never give anybody tasty food without their permission!